One of the ways that I know I’m going through some sort of massive shift is the increased level of overall anxiety and sense of despair that I feel inside of me. Last time this happened was in 2017. I guess at the time, if I were to think about it, I was sort of thinking to myself, “oh, life’s getting serious and a lot of my old juvenile self is still left out there on the Internet and I don’t like that.” But really, if I were to allow my inside voice to really speak up, which I rarely do, it’s probably my inherent paranoia. Not in others so much as it is in myself and in my capacity to get high off my own strengths. Which… What an absurd statement on its face and an awful attempt at pitiful self-aggrandizement, which is exactly what I’d rather not really generally portray. 

And so, around the summer of 2017, I wiped the slate clean. Deleting a massive amount of my public-facing information and doing a lot of online cleanups, account deletions, restructurings, getting into the habit of writing, and so on. These bursts of anxiety push something inside me to reevaluate every single aspect of my life. So while the public facing stuff is changing, my insides are changing as well. I’ll look at my room and throw everything out, reorganize all my papers, settle down into a, “what’s my new life going to look like?” sort of vibe, and just generally set these weird personal action points that’ll get me to this new normal. This started about a couple months ago when I’d bought a server, relegated myself to doing a deep digital reorganization effort of all my files, and slowly mass-deleting or mass-migrating a whole bunch of old media. And then I’d look at all my logins and cut the cords and delete accounts and unsubscribe from every mailing list and generate new email accounts and reset every single password and throw out every empty perfume bottle I keep around for some reason and throw out a whole bunch of old clothes and just cleanse. Obviously, most people call this spring cleaning but I don’t do this sort of behavior except once every few years, when so much crap has lodged itself into my brain that I can’t help but finally be overwhelmed and feel like I have to actually face all the stuff that’s in front of me. Couple that with an even larger sense of social anxiety and some sort of inner rebellious attitude that makes me want to go out a lot and you’ve got yourself a very combustive character. My angers and frustrations peak and my generally very forgiving attitude falls to the wayside, deciding to finally honor all my inner opinions and feelings. 

So that’s the anxiety. As for the sense of despair, it’s like a dark hand over my face every time I wake up. I’ll think about the long and annoying road ahead and the point of new normalcy that keeps being another couple of weeks away for like 3 months. The thought is always, “when is all this going to end?” And I know that it will but it’s just tiring to push through a lot of mundane busywork to get to that point. Stability isn’t some magical feeling that falls out of the sky, it has to be willed into existence through character projections and mundane busywork and a feeling that everything is easy to find and easy to control and easy to change. I have all the required information to make an informed decision and creating an apparatus of the sort requires a bit of mundane busywork. Actually a lot of mundane busywork but why overwhelm myself now. 

As you grow older and make it to different inflection points in your life, you can either talk to your idealistic self and tread carefully, behaving honorably, or you can say something like, “you know what? The rest of the world is already like this, I should be like them too.” As with all things, there’s place for balance and no honor for any human these days. I didn’t know where to put this paragraph.

And so, here we are. I have 2 new home offices, rigged up to just have a computer or iPad plugged in. I have all my files synced up perfectly and effortlessly. All my junk is in a landfill somewhere. Everything that has to be fixed or renewed is in the process of being so. Every little thing can start anew once again. And soon, I’ll be able to just sit here and see how it goes. And I sound like an absolute psycho. Maybe I am, I don’t know.

One area I’ve always wanted to do more of is travel. I find that my inner guilt won’t let me leave the country unless my affairs are in order. The last few years, my affairs were most definitely not mine alone and I think that general vibe is now here to stay. But! I do feel a bit more at ease thinking about a destination and planning a vacation. I’ve got a whole bunch of little experiences I’ve always wanted to give myself and that’s something to look forward to, I think. 

Another weird thing, which kind of inspired my Maktoob idea that I wrote about in the last post, is for one reason or another, I feel that my experiences are bringing me closer to realizing a specific dream I’ve had for many years now. It’s the sort of dream that lifts my heart when I think about it and I think I’ll soon be able to take the steps to start bringing it into fruition. 

When I was in my teen years, I read a book called ‘The Secret.’ A ridiculous book to read at the time, it was recommended to me by a friend of mine in school, Bilal, who I am very glad will never ever read this. The book had a big idea for my small brain. It was manifestation. And I really wanted a Playstation 3. So like an idiot, I’d write out on a piece of paper many times that I wanted a PS3 and then put it under my bed and then settle into my Mickey Mouse blanket and sleep. Anyone who has read the book should be minimum chuckling right now. Waking up the next day, I found nothing. Nothing! This book was stupid. But I did keep thinking about the PS3, wanting the PS3, going to shops and trying it out, I made an empty spot for it, bought some cables that it could use, and was ready to have it. And I got it. Now obviously, I’m being ridiculous, there’s no such thing as magic and I did eventually get it by asking Dad for it after we had lunch at Sammach at Beach Centre, something which required zero effort or manifestation. But I do remember thinking, “what a nice feeling.” Everything is ready for it! I can just settle into it and start playing games and setting it up and so on. Didn’t even have to think which device I’d have to unplug, God forbid. I loved that feeling.

And really, I think I apply The Secret without ever really thinking about it. I’ve always been a gut-instinct sort of person. It’s hard for me to really describe why I do the things that I do or why I do them with such fervor. Honestly, sometimes, I don’t even know why I speak the way I do or say specific things to people. But as I continue to make room in my life, I find the right things eventually slot into them, whether they’re needed experiences, new opportunities, or just a nice day off that I can have because I crammed everything into the previous day. I’ll keep doing that. And my recent purge is also just me honoring that inner desire to make room, I think.

P.S. I recently watched a film, The Boy and the Heron. I highly recommend it to anyone that has experienced loss. It is a very inspired film that puts a child in a unique situation to meet their lost parent again. 5/5.

P.P.S ‘Cause I’ve lived different lives! Different lives!